Why do people do things that hurt them?

I came home from work today and cried.
Not because I was hurt physically, not because anything had been done to me personally, but I hurt spiritually. Not because I had done anything, but because I have a tender heart and I don't know how to not hurt, when others are struggling. Especially people close to me.

One of my work friends, when she was younger, was into drugs. She cleaned her life up and I ended up taking her baby boy's newborn pictures Like 2 years ago. I hadn't seen her in a while but she came through my line today and looked awful. No one else was in my line and I talked to her for a few minutes and she told me about how she had messed up and that her kids were taken away from her. My heart literally hurt for her. She knew she had messed up and I cannot imagine what pains she's feeling right now. I feel for her. And it breaks my heart to see people do things that mess their lives up. People that have good lives and they throw it away for what they want in the moment. She said she's doing better now and I sincerely hope she is. It broke my heart and I'm praying for her and her family.

And this didn't even come close to the feeling of what another friend's doing. Because I know/knew him better than the girl from work. And I cared/care a lot about him; he knew me better than almost any other person ever has. I can't describe the feeling that what he's doing gives me. It goes far beyond any spiritual pain I've ever felt before and I'm not even going through the trials he is. I feel sad for him but will never leave him out of my daily prayers. I hope he can feel them once in a while.

I was talking to my wonderful parents tonight about how pathetic I am for crying my face off tonight because of other people's trials. My dad told me that I was a wonderful person for caring so much. My mom told me it was a Christ-like attribute.

All I know is sometimes I wish I could just not care. To let it go and let people do whatever they are doing and not care so it never got me down. But as I think about that last sentence, I know that is a big part of who I am. I wouldn't know who I was if I didn't value other's happiness. Is overly caring bad? I think it might be.

Regardless, I hope everyone {let's be honest, we all have problems} realizes that even when they do things that aren't right, there's always a way back. Christ will open up his arms to anyone who is willing to seek him out. I want everyone to know that I believe that. There's only artificial happiness out of doing what's wrong; true happiness is only in doing what is right.


And to end on a non-serious note, my niece is the cutest thing in the entire world. I guess that was kind of serious though because I was being serious.

here's a video and picture to prove it-

This is her ripping a paper towel. Glad Ash got some of it on video. :D

look at those thighs!! I love her! All 12 pounds of her.

okay, so 2 pictures. I couldn't choose. Quinton took these. I still need to teach him how to compose a picture better. 90% of the pictures he took, half of my face is cut off and Gemma is centered. haha. 

She doesn't suck on her fingers, she CHEWS on them. 

I'm so glad she's still so little. It makes me feel like I didn't miss all that much while I was gone. Being an aunt is my favorite thing. :)

Everything was made better by chocolate hazelnut ice cream

Alright today wasn’t so great.

Wanna know why?

Remember my beautiful toms? The ones that I’ve wanted for like 3 years but never wanted to spend that much money to buy? And then decided to get them for my trip?

Well, they need surgery.

Doner. this picture does not allow you to
 see how huge this thing really is!
note the cobblestone.

You see, it all started on this freeeeezzing bipolar weather day in Dortmund where it rained, hailed, and sun shined. I was getting done with the city tour given by our lovely German professor, Carsten, and was eating my second Doner {pronounce duuuunair. I pronounced it wrong and apparently it sounded like a dirty word and everyone laughed. NBD} of my trip and opened the door to the hostel and my overly large feet got in the way and the dumb door got caught on my shoe and ripped the side, ripped through my sock and sliced my toe. I think they have razor blades on the bottom of the doors. So I went straight to the bathroom in the lobby to get some TP to wipe the blood off and when I came out the receptionist wanted me to pay 50 cents cause I used the bathroom. I said sorry, hun, your stupid door just ripped my cute shoes. And then I didn’t pay. Ha!

i would have put the sock in too, but it had blood on it
 so i thought i'd save you from being grossed out.
notice- the nail polish

Grace is not a part of my name clearly…. As illustrated by my next story as well.

Here in Europe they believe in making their streets in cute designs with cobblestone. And while I enjoy how this looks, I’ve tripped countless times on how uneven it is. Today was no different. Only this time I hurt my knee. My right knee. The same leg that my poor toe is beat up from the evil German door. So now I look like an injured gazelle with a hole in it’s shoe because everyone walks so fast here and I have short legs. {gazelle’s wear shoes, right?}

But do you all want to know what I’m most upset about? Ripping my shoes!!!! Uh! I only had room to bring 2 pairs of shoes and after buying my toms, they were my favorite pair I own! So now I’m going to attempt to buy a patch and a sewing kit and work some magic on them. My toe and knee will heal, but my poor shoe will require some serious TLC and maybe a Christmas miracle too. L

we never figured out what the orange tomato thing
was. it tasted like an un-ripe strawberry in a
tomatillo skin thing

And all of the not ideal things that happened today was made right when I ate the most delicious thing my little taste buds have ever had the pleasure of tasting- Chocolate Hazelnut ice cream! :D be jealous. But I’m still upset about my toms.

So you know how I’m sort of a girly girl sometimes? And that I have a thing for lace and pearls? Well, lace and pearls just happen to be in right now in Europe. Which makes walking by ALL 300+ clothing stores hard to do without drooling. Cause who can resist a darling lace pencil skirt, a flattering lace shirt, or a lace shirt with pearls intertwined in it?

Me. Because I don’t have that many euros. The whole resisting the pearl jewelry is easier because I already own a pair of real pearl earrings. But I only brought my fake ones with me because I didn’t want someone to mug me for them ‘cause they’re that pretty.

I’ve decided that because it’s not fair to myself to not buy anything, that I’ll limit myself to 1-2 clothing items per country.

Note to all you shopping fiends- you might want to never come to Europe. Cause you’ll never ever ever ever ever leave the shopping areas. Which pretty much are every where. 

I’ve never really been the type of girl to want expensive clothes and who cares that much about nice clothes. Europe is ruining my bargain-shopper self.

I bought a shirt in London and wore it today. Want to see it? I’m kind of in love. Especially when I wore my pink sunglasses that match the design on the fabric. Also they’re the perfect color. Also, my nails and toenails match it. Not planned. :D

Notice the glasses and the fun bow!

{sorry, I’m usually opposed to the whole putting pictures of yourself posing in front of a mirror type thing so i photographed it on the hanger.}

Adventures of Finals week round 3- my love note to the mailman/woman

In case you can't read this, it says, "Dear wonderful mailman/woman, if no one is home, you have my permission to leave the package on the step. I desperatley need it for my final on tuesday morning! Have a great day and have a chocolate. thanks! <3/ Brianna. 

Here's the story. I ordered prints for my final and it was supposed to get here by monday. So, I wrote this, because sometimes they leave a little sticky note saying you have to pick it up at the post office. I even left them an easter Cadbury egg. aren't I nice?? 

Well, they left the package in the lounge next to the mailbox so the mail person didn't even get to see my lovely note. 

moral of the story, if you're nice, your packages will come on time. And you still get to have your chocolate. :D

p.s. who likes my taping job?

The dreams that can't come true

I have these phases I go through. dreaming phases. Not the dreams like I want to go to the moon or I wish I could get an A in an art class type dream.
The dreams you have while sleeping.
I'll go months without a dream. And then boom! I have dreams nearly every night.

Here's how the past year has gone, by memory. {rough}

july-august- Very very regular
september-october- not much
november-present {longest stretch that I can remember}- TONS. Here's the thing though. While I used to love having these dreams, I do not anymore. I wish they'd go away because I just wake up being sad that they can't come true anymore. They include the same people mostly and It's not helping me right now.
Have you ever woken up crying? and you don't remember crying in your sleep? Well folks, I did that for the 2nd time in all my life this morning. The first time was last october {2010}. I remember because it was an awful day in which the dream came to life. Luckily today wasn't awful and nothing happened, but when I first woke up, I was extremely sad and kind of scared.

Since I was little, I've felt like dreams can mean something. I don't think they all do, but some definitely do. I'll share a personal story-

I believe i was 3, My mom had just had a miscarriage {in between Quinton and I} and naturally was having a hard time. Well, {I vaguely remember this but my mom loves this story. as do I So i hear it a lot} Ashleigh and I had the same dream one night about this baby. In the dream, The baby {a boy that to this day i believe to be Quinton} just needed to go back and talk to Heavenly Father one last time before he came to Earth. But that he'd be back and he'd be a part of our family soon. Quinton was born later that year.
You may say that this was all a coincidence, But, I cannot believe this. Ash and I were given that dream for a reason.

Which brings me to my present nightly dreams {i guess they're not every night. but at least 3-4 times a week}. I don't understand why I've been having these specific dreams. Before about a year ago, I've never really dreamed about one thing or subject in particular. They were very random and had very little real life things in them. Until recently I haven't really thought into it too much, but I don't like them anymore.

At the same time though, I don't understand why I'd be having these dreams when I so badly don't want them anymore, if there wasn't some sort of reason.

I have no clue. And, most likely I'll never figure it out. But, I'd love it if I could. That or stop having them so I can actually want to sleep at night.

But, if they went away, I'd probably wish they were back.

Clearly I have been thinking a lot about this.

And as much as I do not want to go to bed, I must because i'm   ex    haust    ed.

Differences between right and wrong.

So, I'm 20 and have now had 20 years of agency. As I've gotten older I've had more of it. Moving out and going to college has given me pretty free range in whatever I want to do.
I used to think I'd love making all my own decisions. Not so anymore. I wish people would tell me what to do when it comes to the really hard things. Because if i've learned anything it's that-

Doing the right thing and doing the wrong thing are very different. The wrong thing is easier. It's always easier to give in. The right thing is so hard.

the other thing i've learned about right and wrong-

The wrong thing will not hurt you at the moment. It'll most likely make you feel good and relieved. It's what the bad side of you wants because no one likes to be hurt. The right thing though, will hurt at the moment sometimes. And sometimes it'll make you feel like you could never feel worse.

But, the most important thing I've learned-

The wrong thing's "feel good" stage will leave. And in replace, you'll feel worse than you would have if you made the right choice in the beginning. Making the right decision may nearly kill you, tear you're heart to pieces, and then feel like they're stomped on, but in the long run, things will be better. You'll know you made the right decision and no matter how hard it is in the beginning, there's a {very} faint light at the end of the tunnel calling your name.

After making the right decision, you'll most likely at some point want to give up. You'll probably think at some point while you're feeling awful, you want to rewind and have a re do because human nature is not to want to feel bad. And the whole time while making the right decision, there will be both people rooting for you, and there will be people booing you while trying to make you feel worse.

More things I've learned-

Associate yourself with people who make it easier to do the right thing. People that are pretty darn good shoulders to cry on, because I promise, you'll need it at some point. people that cheer you on in the good things, not the bad. It makes life easier ten fold.

“It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.” -Henry Longfellow

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.” -Theodore Roosevelt. 

“The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.” -H. Norman Swarzkopf 

And to end on a happier note, Betsy and I went to the temple yesterday. :D And also to the mall yesterday. We'd never been to the cache valley mall. {okay, I went to bath and body in it once but no other stores} and it is by far the smallest mall I've ever been to. Maybe has 25-30 stores. The best store in that mall though, was the video store. It was so awesome!! There were stacks and stacks just laying around. Stacked as high as the ceiling. VHS, DVDs, Records, Cassettes, CDs, games, everything. We found some gems in there. I asked the worker guy if I could do a photo shoot in there some time and he said yes! So, i'm excited about this. :D Here's a picture I took of Betsy while there.

I'm just having an inner battle. NBD

you know those times when 

your heart tells you one thing.

your mind tells you another.

and 

your spirit tells you something else?

And you honestly just have no idea how to get them to agree and do the right thing?

Not that I'm experiencing this or anything.

Also, my institute teacher, Brother Hunsaker, is the best institute teacher ever. EVER! 

Most favorite religion class I've ever had. By far. 

I wish I had it everyday. 

Call me weird, but I love learning about my role in the church and in life. 

Anyways. I'm going to go and continue studying for art history and editing pictures for my midterm portfolio. I just needed a little break.

ta ta

Valentines Day Post

So, sometimes i'm pretty domestic and do cute lil' things 

in photoshop for Valentines day.

I don't really know how to do things half way when it comes to this kind of thing. So I tend to go overboard a little bit. So don't judge me and think I'm psycho.... But, I think they're fun. Here are a few of the 20 ish I did. {I shot these right before I went to bed one night at like 1 am and the only light I had was a little over head light and was too lazy to break out my tripod, therefore they aren't tack sharp like i'd like them to be.} {and yes, i know i'm incredibly cheesy. }

Hot wheels!

Dr. Pepper.

Deck of cards with one thing written on each card
This was probably my favorite one.

bouncy ball 

conversation hear cover {i found this online... i didn't make this one.}

heart marshmallows. cute!

Tootsie Rolls

Should be put on a crush orange soda. but i didn't want to send a glass bottle in the mail.

the little package I sent Tay. Fun, eh?

Anyways, I can't wait till our date on Friday when I go home. :D 

In other news, I dyed my hairs. But, I'll post a picture later.

Also, if ya'll could pray for me and the speech i have to give tomorrow. I wrote it yesterday, and today it magically isn't saved anymore. So while i should be memorizing it today i get to re write it and hope and pray that somehow i'll be able to memorize it enough to fake it tomorrow.

my car, left. her car, right.

Also, I'd like to take this time and thank my dear friend and roommate, Allison, for being such an amazing person! She totally came and saved me from stressing out even more today! And I feel bad because I have a photo shoot i have to do today when i told her we could do something tonight together because we're both cool and don't have plans. :( Love you AL!

p.s. Allison's car {Black Honda named bessy} and my car {black toyota Corolla named Calvin} are kinda in love. We decided they're valentines. Especially when we park right across
from each other like today.

So you can't see them very well. but in the middle
there, there's a little pot of mini roses too. and she
has a rose in her mouth. 

And....... In case any of you didn't get flowers.... My roommate Natalie got plenty to go around. And I'm sure she'll get more tonight. Allison decided that one of them should be hers so she wrote herself a little love note and put on one of the vases. haha.

Patience is a virtue

patience is a  virtue;

                             .....................a virtue I wish I had.

I wish for patience-

for my cold to go away

for the right time

for an answer to a question

for my turn

for the semester to be done

for another question to be answered

for my 2oth birthday in January

for bedtime when all my homework is done. 

for a phone call I want to receive

for my niece to be here so I can hold her and kiss her cute lil' face off

etc.

And this is why

And this is why i love coming home-


I'm sorry i didn't rotate the pictures to the correct orientation. this is still something i haven't figured out how to do in blogger and was too lazy to do it before i uploaded them. {and then you wonder why i like cooking, i get it from my mom. and then you wonder why i'm not tooth pick skinny}
one day, i'm going to be like my mom. Im going to have warm cookies waiting for my kids when they come home from school, and teach them how to make delicious treats that can heal any situation. Even if you're emotionally exhausted and have had a poopy week. There is nothing quite like coming home. I miss my family. And i've missed orem too.

Cute sugar cookies

and more cute cookies!

even our piano has decoration on it.

seriously, every spot in the house has decorations for fall and halloween. I love it!

my daddy has a billboard on state street here in orem!  

and on that note... i also filled out my absentee ballot form tonight. of course, i only voted for my dad. :D

And this is a rosa sauce with chicken and sausage and fresh parmesan. 

and this is what i made :D

the table. does this not look absolutely amazing??

My posts lately have been very picture-less. I have been too lazy to put  them up. so, here they are. 

did you know this?

a sign hanging on our wall of our apartment. allison made it, i drew the border.

Annie and I play tic tac toe together during class.
{We also watch Hitch}
the reason why the B is so big, because i won and didn't know it. so i
got really excited because i had no idea i had won!

this is a chemical in the photo lab. If i die, it might be because i was poisoned. 

my temple picture is framed and on my wall of religiousness. :D

the mustache party. maybe i'll try to grow a big mustache, i think i could pull it off. especially with my bangs looking like they do in this picture.... 

this is my 3 d design sculpture. and guess what? it made it in the display case!!
which kind of is a big deal! Go look in the FAV and you shall see it! 

this is billy. my pumpkin.

here's my shoe for 3d. and the shoe i modeled it off of is in the
middle so you can see how big the shoe actually is. those durn rhinestones took
FOREVER and a day to hot glue on. 

finished! I added the bow. 

my first worm at wendy's! with Lauren. I love that girl SO much. She is such a wonderful friend. :D i wish she was one of my roommates.

I just wanted to give a little shout out to my friend, Taylor. Last night I was having a girls night with Betsy, Anna {and her husband Brian....haha}, Tara, Annie, and Melissa, and Ashley. I walked into my house and there they all were. I was not in a particular happy or excited mood, but i was happy to see them there. Because i hadn't seen most of them in ages! Most of the time, girls night and ice cream does the trick. Not last night. Melissa was telling us all about her engagement story, and everyone had all these cool things to talk about and then everyone was youtubing these cute love songs that normally i would be "aww!" ing over but i just was not feeling it. I was leaning my head on betsy's shoulder and she was playing with me hair. She knew what was wrong and i was thinking to myself, "I can't do this anymore. I am going to go to bed." when i get a call. From Taylor. There is absolutely nothing in the entire world that could have made me feel more better than what he said right after i gave a week greeting of "hey". He said, "Brianna!! Did you know that you are a wonderful and beautiful daughter of God and that he loves you?" It was a good thing that before i answered i had begun to walk up the stairs because i lost it. There was absolutely no stopping the waterworks this time and i really didn't feel like explaining to all the girls downstairs what the problem was when they were all having fun telling their cute stories. He let me cry for a minute and then he said "for some reason i've been worried about you all day! what's wrong?" I told him i just needed to laugh and he promptly told me a pretty funny thing that happened to him the day before. And then we sang the mickey mouse club house song together like old times and he gave me some good advice. So, thanks Taylor. You're one pretty great friend! I hope i get to see him this weekend. 

p.s. i feel as if i should mention that i usually don't cry this much in one week. I don't know what is wrong with me.... okay so i do. But still, i'm not usually this emotional. and next week- i PROMISE i'll be back to my normal happy blogging self. :D

Here is we from the summer. the ONE picture i finally convinced him to let me take.